Brandy Jensen, The Outline’s social media editor, has made a lot of mistakes in her life. Has she learned from them and become a wiser person as a result? Hahaha oh gosh no. But it does leave her uniquely qualified to tell you what not to do — because she’s probably done it.
Dear Fuck-Up,
I met my best friend in third grade and we are current juniors in high school. Both of us have been through a lot but nothing we couldn’t handle. As we got older we opened our circle of friends and now it’s us and another girl. That’s never been a problem because I love them both but last summer I noticed that I was excluded from a lot. On my part, I know that I don’t make a huge effort to text them or use social media to communicate with them since I like face-to face conversations. I’ve been told by others I shouldn’t ignore them and actually talk to them if I wanna be included. So I did that. I text them daily and guess what!!! I’m still not being included in anything. They work out together, hang out, go to parties, vacation, etc and I just sit there watching their Snapchat stories at home. At this point, I feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m not even their best friend anymore. I really want to talk to them about it but I feel like the outcome won’t be good. I don��t want to hurt them, but I don’t want to feel hurt anymore either. Plus I’m super awkward and have no idea how to approach my feelings. Anyways, I really hope you respond lol.
Xoxo
Sad Steph
Dear Steph,
I’m so sorry, this is such a genuinely awful, relatable situation. We like to tell teenagers that certain things improve as you age, like acne or the acute pain of someone you love pulling away, but that’s bullshit — mainly they just combine to give you stress breakouts.
I do think you should say something, and although you say you “love them both” I think it’s really your friend since third grade whom you miss. But keep in mind that the outcome you really want — to have things go back to the way they were — is pretty unlikely. What makes a relationship durable isn’t that it stays the same through time but that it changes in ways two people accommodate. This is especially true when you’re young and everything feels like an apocalypse because hormones and glimpses of freedom and the dawning realization that the world is pretty shit conspire to make you miserable. So, it may simply be the case that you’ve both changed and now she’s the sort of weird person who likes to work out a lot. But that doesn’t mean you should resign yourself to watching their Snapchat stories and pining.
Ask her to meet you for coffee and be honest about how you’ve been feeling. Tell her that you know things have changed between you, because they have, and that you can’t go back to the friendship you may have had years ago, because as hard as this is to accept, you can’t. But be direct, and focus on conveying to her how you feel. Tell her that she means a lot to you and you miss her. “I care about you. I miss you. I want you back in my life” is a sentiment that’s almost embarrassing in its simplicity, but being afraid or unwilling to tell people that has been the cause of all the fuck-ups that keep me awake at night.
As much as this is about your current situation with this particular friend, it’s also about learning how to deal with feeling hurt, confused, and insecure. You say that you’re awkward and have no idea how to approach your feelings, but that’s really just another way of saying “I’m a junior in high school.” You’re going to spend the next decade or so figuring out how to be a person and you will find that experience, by and large, humiliating. But the most noble thing you can do while navigating those years is develop some emotional integrity. That means identifying and articulating why you feel the way you do, and then working on the best way to communicate that to people you care about. And hey, you’ve already done that with me! You’re way ahead of the game.
xoxo
Fuck-up
Have a question for A Fuck-up? Email DearFuckup@theoutline.com
